Dear Sophie

Thank you very much for your letter. It is very brave to admit that you have a problem and to have the courage ask for help.

First, I would like you to read back over your letter and tell me whether you are sure that what you have written it is all true.

"She always gets me into trouble."
Is this true? Are you sure it isn't just sometimes? Is it possible that at other times you get yourself into trouble?

"She copies me all the time."
Is this true? Are you sure it isn't just some of the time? Have you considered that maybe she copies you because she looks up to you, loves you and wants to be like you?

"When I want to play with her, she won't."
Is this true? Are you sure that it is not just that she sometimes doesn't want to play with you and sometimes she does, just like you want to play with her sometimes and sometimes you don't?

"My parents never tell her off."
Is this true? Never?

"I always get told off when it is her fault."
Are you sure that this is true? Could it be that this just happen sometimes? Could it be that your parents just get it wrong sometimes? Could it be that sometimes you are getting told off because you have done something you have been asked not to do?

Inside all our heads there is a voice. The voice makes us think it is there to help and protect us, but it usually does the opposite. The voice makes us unhappy. The voice makes us afraid. The voice makes us hate other people. The voice tells us a lot of lies. The voice uses words like 'always' and 'never'. When the voice uses these words, it makes things seem much worse than they really are. It also completely makes things up about other people, so that it can blame them for things. The voice likes to blame other people when we are not feeling happy. It likes to put labels on people and on things that happen. Labels like 'she is a goody two-shoes', 'they are so unfair', and 'it's all her fault.'

Whenever you feel bad, it is always because that voice is telling you lots of lies. It is never because of other people in your life or things that happen. Other people and things that happen cannot make you feel bad if you do not listen to that voice.

The good news is, Sophie, you do not have to listen to that voice. You do not have to let it make you unhappy. You can make your own mind up about things. The voice will not go away, but you don't have to listen to it. When it speaks to you inside your head, you can answer back. You can ask it questions like the ones I asked above. If you do that, it will quickly become obvious that the voice has been lying to you and making you unhappy for no good reason. Once you learn not to listen to that voice, you will realise that you don't have to feel nearly so bad about the things you have described in your letter. Once you learn not to listen, the voice will become quieter and will speak less often. You will then be able to hear other voices which remind you of all the happy times you have had with your sister and your parents.

Can you imagine writing me another letter, having told the angry voice to be quiet while you think for yourself what you are writing?

"Dear Happy Cow

"My name is Sophie. I’m 10. Here’s my problem. I sometimes get annoyed when playing with my sister. She is younger than me and sometimes I get in trouble when we are playing together. She sometimes copies me and follows me around. I am not sure why. Sometimes I don't mind this, as I am happy to have someone to play with, but at other times I like to play on my own or with my friends and I get annoyed with her. When I want to play with her, she sometimes won't. I guess she likes to play on her own some of the time too, just like me. Occasionally my parents tell me off when I haven't done anything wrong and it was really my sister's fault. I know they love me. They tell me that all the time and work hard to look after us both. So I guess they just make a mistake sometimes. Sometimes I have bad thoughts about my sister and wish she would just go away. That makes me feel even worse, because deep down I love her very much, and I think I must be a bad person for having thoughts like that.

"I feel quite a lot better now that I have written things down, but perhaps you can help me some more.

"Sophie"

We all feel bad sometimes, Sophie. We all get annoyed sometimes. We all want to be alone sometimes. That is OK. You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. You don't have to blame anyone or anything. You don't have to blame yourself either. If you allow yourself just to feel the feelings without any blaming, they will soon go away.

Good luck and much love to you,

Happy Cow

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If you are in need of some advice and think Happy Cow may be able to help, please e-mail her at: advice@happycow.org.uk.

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