Dear Jessica

Thank you for sharing your dilemma with us. It is beautiful to hear you express your love so eloquently.

You wrote in your letter: 'if I choose to have the baby or I choose not to, either way my heart is broken'.

I am not at all sure that this is definitely the case. There is definitely the possibility that you choose to have the baby and that your partner realises, as many men realise the day they become a father for the first time, that it is by far the most important and meaningful thing that has ever happened to him. I believe this is what your friends and family mean when they say 'he may come round'.

Your husband says he is not ready to be a father. You also express doubts about your own ability to cope, particularly if you are alone. These doubts and fears are very normal, but let me assure you right now, both of you are as ready as you are ever going to be to be parents. There is nothing that you need that you do not already possess. Every human being has within them the resources to cope with whatever challenges come their way. I am not saying it will be a breeze. It will take effort, but that effort will be rewarded a thousand fold. You will discover within yourself wonderful strengths and qualities that you had no idea you possessed. That is one of the special gifts of parenthood.

Often, when people say that they are not ready, what they really mean is that they don't want the responsibility right now. Your partner needs to face up to the fact that he accepts the possibility of becoming a father each and every time he makes love with you. It may have been unexpected, but nevertheless, the responsibility is now his. If he walks away from that responsibility or tries to persuade you to go against your own clearly strong wishes so that he doesn't have to face up to it, then it is very likely that your relationship will never be the same again anyway.

If you choose to have the baby, your heart may be broken. You may discover that the bond you have with your husband is not as strong as you perhaps thought. That is possible. But it is also possible that he will overcome his fear and doubt and relish the new opportunity he has to express his love for you and your beautiful new creation.

Try to be as open and frank with your partner as you can about your wishes and your feelings. Be completely honest. Do not say anything because you think it is what he wants to hear. Focus on love and it will see both of you through, whatever decisions you make. If your relationship is not as strong as you thought, it is better to find that out sooner rather than later. Better a genuine, honest relationship that comes to an end than a dishonest one that continues.

Much love to all of you, whatever you decide,

Happy Cow

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